Trivial. Selfish. Idol-Loving.

I was cruising through some blogs this morning (something I haven't done in forever) and realized several things:

1. EVERYONE has a blog. I mean, seriously...EVERYONE. One friend's blog lead to a link of another, where I saw the links of a hundred others...it was unbelievable. It made me wonder what everyone is doing this for? Does everyone use it as a way to keep up with family and friends? Or maybe to chronicle memories? To preach the gospel directly or indirectly? To boost their ego by gaining followers and comments? How do I MYSELF use my blog?

Well, the truth is, I DON'T use my blog. Not right now anyways. Moving on.

2. I am not a preacher or a pastor and I don't feel qualified to tell people how to apply the gospel to their lives and their parenting. I don't write about faith topics, generally speaking. I tackle the trivial. I am a dry humored (mostly sarcastic), silly, materialistic, opinionated, high-maintenance, frivolous, selfish and an idol-loving girl. I am fallen, and am the worst kind of sinner...I know the truth of the gospel, the truth of my condition, and sometimes I don't feel desperate for Him. AT ALL. I more often feel desperate for ice cream, a shopping trip, a glass of wine, a babysitter, a makeover, the couch after the kids are in bed (they just woke up for the day and already I'm looking forward to 8:15 pm). I even write these truths and have a hope in my heart that SOMEONE will write to say "you're not ANY of those things...you're AWESOME!" My security and identity aren't grounded in Jesus as much as they should be and I think my blog reflects that. I am convicted about the tone of my writing. I feel ashamed of it.

3. I have a lot to say, but I don't write it because I'm embarrassed to let people see the real me. So, I either write posts about how great everything is, OR I don't write at all. I mean, how much can be written about the school play or the field trip to the zoo or the super fun family day where we made play-doh and held hands and went to the playground and ate s'mores and read stories together and made super messy crafts that involve paint and toddlers and I AM SO JOYFUL IT DIDN'T BUG ME and then we talked about Jesus and held hands some more? This feels like a lie to me and I can't do it....unless I post one or two down-and-dirty, real-life entries to balance it out (about how I made my child cry because I was so terribly mean, and then she said "I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, Mommy" as she patted my back and I wanted to kill myself dead.) So, as of late, I've opted to write nothing. I think in my heart I'd like to reserve this space to dump out the garbage of my soul and not feel like I'm going to have to discuss it in the carpool line a couple of days later.

4. What is WRONG with me?? That last point is just flat out messed up. It sort of makes me sound like I'm running a meth lab in the kids' playroom! Which is ridiculous!! Because we don't have a playroom. Truly, I have nothing to hide. My life is average, my struggles are common, I'm meth-lab free and my heart is right where Jesus wants it. I am so aware that I need Him I might as well have a neon sign blinking in my front yard. I just don't do the right things to remedy that need most of the time.

5. I love to read good blog posts on Godly living, Jesus-centered mommyhood, Christ-like living, flat out devotionals with Bible excerpts...all of it. I need those good posts and crave that kind of writing frequently. I am GRATEFUL for people who can speak into my life through their writing and lead me back to Jesus.

6. I also really like to read blogs of families and friends that I know personally. I like to see what they're up to and look at their pictures and read about their children. I like to hear the voice of a dear friend in my ear as I read her blog and feel like we're talking to one another. My KIDS love to read those blogs with me...and I LOVE that, too.

7. Additionally, I crave sites that are gossipy, trivial, art-focused, design-loving, sarcasm-riddled, visually-stunning, TV-loving, a wee-bit-materialistic and funny-as-hell writing. Sadly, I think my desire for a blog falls MORE into THIS category...and, I worry that as people read the dark contents of my shallow soul, I will lead people AWAY from the cross instead of TOWARDS it.